Mirrors

Did you know that your spouse is like a mirror? They reflect back to you who you truly are. That can be a great thing if you like what you see in the reflection or not-so-great if what you see appears flawed and unattractive.

What happens when your spouse reflects the truth of who you are and you don't like what you see?

God designed marriage as an example of how Christ loves us. If this is the first time you've heard this, that probably sounds a little weird, right? I bet I can guess what you're thinking.

You're thinking of all things that God could use, as an illustration, he is using marriage? Well, as always, we'll encourage you to check the Bible against what is said here. So, let's take a look;

'I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ' Revelation 21:2 https://my.bible.com/bible/111/REV.21.2

'For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ' Ephesians 5:23,25-27 https://my.bible.com/bible/111/EPH.5.23,25-27

OK. So, what does that have to do with your spouse being a mirror? Well, people are kind of funny, you know? They have an unlimited capacity for forgiveness and the expectation of forgiving and understanding of their own mistakes but seem to lack the ability to give that to others. We see ourselves as flawed (maybe) but expect that others will understand we are "only human" and will be allowed the grace associated with not being perfect. The trouble is when two single people bring this perspective into a marriage. In addition to the trauma from their home of origin experiences and life circumstances, it can be challenging to put on our grace-filled glasses and see our spouse with the same lens we see ourselves. In that, we have a higher level of expectation of their behavior than we do our own.

How many times have you looked in the mirror before leaving the house? Pretty much every time, probably. What are you looking for in your reflection? Maybe, you're verifying your hair isn't sticking up in the wrong place, maybe double-checking nothing is stuck in your teeth. Did you remember to put on lipstick? Just a quick once-over before we head out the door. You say goodbye to your spouse on the way out, and low-and-behold, they say, "hey, you've got a weird thread there; can it get that for you" or "hey, you've got an eyelash on your cheek." You looked in the mirror, but the things you looked for, didn't include the things pointed out by your spouse.

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The House of Mirrors

Have you ever been to a carnival and gone through the house of mirrors? They have so many mirrors that give you a distorted reflection. Some make you look tall and thin, some short and stubby, some keep you looking pretty much the same but make you look quite a bit thinner (most people seem to like this one), or the one that makes you look like your head is gigantic compared to the rest of your body. Most go through there, chuckle at the distortions, and comment admiringly at the reflections that make them look their version of attractive. Naturally, we prefer the reflections that make the things we deem attractive more noticeable.

Many of us go through life with a house of mirrors view of ourselves. We minimize the less attractive parts of who we are and emphasize the aspects we find attractive. Then, we get married. We live with a person who now sees us in all sorts of situations and circumstances that most other people don't. They get the inside scoop on who we "really" are—the behind-closed-doors person. Not just the person we think we are, but the person we are. Often, the person we are is more selfish than we'd like to admit. We think, say, and do things without regard for our spouse's feelings and may, in anger, intentionally aim at hurting our spouse because we feel they have hurt us.

Here's the thing. Our spouses see things about us that we just flat-out ignore or don't see. Those parts of us that no one has ever pointed out were unattractive, or we just chose to forget that they even existed. Living together in the same house, day in, day out, our spouse sees those things we ignore or permit ourselves to allow.

Our spouses love us, right? I mean, the two of you are in the process of building your empire together: great plans, goals, and a sparkly bright future with no limits. Then, without provocation, this person says to you, "you know, sometimes, you're impatient with me when I don't get things completed as fast as you expect ." WHAT?! You see your reflection in the mirror as a VERY patient person. You start to think about the times when you were more patient than a saint when anyone else would have been frustrated. However, they are merely reflecting the very thing we chose to ignore.

What do you do now? Well, a few things are going on here. Where are you in your thinking? Are you angry at your spouse for pointing out the very thing you have chosen to ignore? Are you immediately dismissive of their opinion? Do you stop for a second and wonder why they're attacking you? Well, I can tell you what I think you should do. Ask God. What does that look like for you? Prayer is a very personal thing. Just as every person's fingerprint is different, so is how they pray. With that being said, what if you don't think you know how to talk to God? Let's give you this example:

"Hey God. Did you hear that? I cannot believe my spouse said that about me. I am a little surprised because I think I am patient and loving. However, maybe they see something I don't. This week, can you show me places where I might be impatient? Can you show me where I am thinking impatient thoughts and acting out of impatience instead of patience? Help me to be a reflection of you to my spouse, not impatience."

For those of you who expected something like "Oh holy gracious heavenly Father" or something along those lines, I don't talk to anyone that way, even God. Guess what? He is OK with that. He wants a genuine relationship with you, not some formal, disingenuous conversation. Speak to him like your friend, because that is who he is.

If you ask God to reveal something about your character that doesn't align with who he wants you to be, he will. So you should be prepared for that. He will move you from the mirror you've been looking in (the one that makes you look most attractive) to the actual mirror. That mirror shows all your wrinkles, grey hairs, moles, warts, and beauty. What you choose to do with that information is entirely up to you. You can ignore it (like you have been) or ask God to help you peel away that layer to reveal who he designed you to be. If you choose the latter, it will be a process but one that will be worth the work.

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Another Mirror

Well, now that we know our spouse acts as a mirror, you're probably wondering, is there a way I can see my true reflection without hearing it from my spouse? Well, sure. The other mirror God provides for us is his word. That's right, the Bible. Again, look it up for yourself;

'Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ' James 1:22-24 https://my.bible.com/bible/111/JAS.1.22-24

We are so pleased to welcome you into our pantry; until next time, friends. Be well fed.

The Butlers